TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of put. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But Certainly, sure, let's have An additional spot the place American Gentlemen can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the Trump Tower Damascus alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It is that he need to stop using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the project, replied, "You realize, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good folks. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head visible from Room, a attribute becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after getting the setting up's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It is not just ugly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Bewildering Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where attendees could ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are Not sure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The ad campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "in which's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is currently attracting interest from international buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount can even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to view a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have turn-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Thoughts through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave everything 3. You are welcome."

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